Hotter than a firecracker?

Dearest Blog Reader;

I do hope that this blog finds you doing well. I am fine. A bit hot under the collar but doing fine. Does the heat make you crazy? I admit it. It makes me at least a tad bit unhinged. Not you? Come on. I'll bet that at least once you have glanced at the radar hoping vainly that those three green pixels over southern Illinois would grow into something. A heavy dew would bring some relief. How many of you have lost sleep sitting out on the porch, looking to the west, silently promising to go to church for 1/2 inch of rain.

Then, do you feel a bit ambivalent when that scattered thunderstorm only brought a 1/4 inch of rain knocking out the power but lowering the temp 30 degrees in a half an hour. "I was quite specific Lord. I said I'd go to church for a half inch of rain. I'm grateful but a deal is a deal." How many of you felt bitter disappointment tonight when the weatherman changed 4 days of 30% chance of rain to 2 days of 30% and 2 days of 10% and cursed under your breath because you had talked yourself into "120% it's a sure thing." Yes, a drought does make us a bit crazy.

I have long advocated the invention of click and drag weather. I would even pay a premium to the weather channel for that enhanced service. Florida would not have missed an inch of its 1 foot of rain. They would have been just as suited with 11 inches. I bet that they could have made do with 8 inches. That is an inch for us and three inches for Colorado. I would have been happy to share with them.  I wonder if you got the ultra enhanced weather if you could pinpoint the rain; an inch for 6572 but none for 6578. It would certainly straighten out that gross oversight of God's. Rain on the just and the unjust my foot. The Psalmist had some problems with and so do I. There would be some setting right to do and I would be just the guy for it.

This feature should apply to winter weather too. Kids would love the snow day feature. Bing Crosby wouldn't have to dream of a white Christmas. Bright dry sunshiney weather could be summoned too. Do you like your greens; high of 70. Are you more of a tomato fan; crank it up to the low 90s? Your weather world would be at our fingertips; just point click and drag. You would never know weather adversity. All would be right with the world. What would we have to complain about?

Have you ever noticed how people love to complain about the weather? It is like a safety valve for us. Your mom may disapprove of that new tongue piercing you received, but what does she say? "This weather; it sure is dry. Boy, it is dryer that a firecracker's fart. It we don't get rain soon those fascists in the UN are going to ban or Fouth of July celebrations." We all know that you wanted to say this. "You ungrateful little brat, you are always copying me. Why don't you be original for once?"

No we complain about the weather because we have a societal agreement that this area is safe. You can complain at will. You will be accepted. You will be loved. (You tongue pierced copycat.)

I have found that it is more productive to complain with some sort of plan to make things better. So, I sit here before you pecking out this missive with complaints on my heart but a plan in my mind. Actually, I have two plans. I shall only share one because the other is really a plan of desperation. It is a plan where the payoff could be huge but the potential for calamity exists and is very real. Should that plan be pursued, real danger will dog our every step. Besides, it is a complex plan and in order to pull it off many steps will have to be executed with military precision. I am happy to report that with the help of two co-conspirators, the first few steps have been executed flawlessly. My co-conspirators and I are taking an evaluative stance, waiting on the outcome before moving ahead.

That is why it is important that everyone participate in this plan. We need success or we will be driven to desperate measures. Everyone knows that all of the really good rains involve the collision of warm moist air with a cold front. It appears that the problem we currently have is one where we have plenty of warm air, but it is dry. So when the cold air approaches there is no moisture to wring out of the air, and when there is a bit of humidity hanging around there is nary a cold front to be found. Our plan entails playing a matchmaker between these two fickle and quarrelsome lovers.

You have a crucial role in our little caper. First, pay attention to the weather. When the humidity climbs above the 75%, everyone should plan to cool their houses to as cold as your air conditioners can make it. Crank it way down. Too uncomfortable? Suck it up, put on a sweater, and get over it. Hopefully, you can get it down to the low 60's. While the house is chilling, go out to the front yard and start the sprinklers. Start them all. Watering bans be damned. You have a higher calling. You have a drought to end.  In order to give our plan a little boost, put the car out in the drive and crank down its air conditioning too. You should probably cover the car with blankets. That will block the sun allowing the car to get plenty cold. 

Then at about 6:00 on the evening of our big plan, throw open the windows, turn on the window fans and create our own little cold front. That little vixen will work her wiles on that hot humid air and viola we might have a little baby drought breaker on our hands.

This weather does make one crazy.

Take care

Roger