connect the dots?

Dearest blog reader:

I hope that this finds you doing well. While my excellent typing skills mask it, I must admit that I write this with a trembling hand. Several seemingly unrelated recent events are causing my trepidation. Yes, it appears that the assassin deer are back at up to their old mischievous ways.

They had taken a break; the long winter's nap sabbatical. They kept their flannel sheets on their winter beds in spite of the evidence surrounding them of an early spring. No, the shortage of apples this fall will not be on their heads. While resting and regrouping from the fall hunting season, the assassins even took a long enough break to get their children off to deer kindergarten.

Now they are back with a vengeance. They are pulling out all of the stops, and enlisting the more nefarious members of the animal kingdom in their dastardly plots.  That's right raccoons have thrown in with the deer. Raccoons, you are either for us or against us. Your actions of the past week make it abundantly clear that you have entered into an unholy alliance with these Lyme diseased, tick harboring, scoundrels of the suburban woodlands. 

I know what you're thinking. "those are pretty big words and accusations for a man with no proof." Well listen to the following and connect your own dots. I think that it makes a pretty convincing picture.

Last weekend I was cutting the lawn pretty early on Saturday morning before the heat became too bad for the rest of the day. I was outback of the house and looked up and saw a doe stampeding around the barn wide eyed; obviously surprised to see me there. It was like I had interrupted her on a surveillance mission, or more likely, a practice suicide bomb run. She was looking to see how close she could get before I sounded the alarm. Once discovered, she skedaddled on over the hill. I tried to warn the authorities, but they were too busy with afghanistani goat herders living in Pakistan to keep any predator drones on station above central Indiana. Do you think me paranoid? Then explain recent NSA intercepts of terrorist "chatter" where they talk of terrorists using brown-eyed doe-eyed jihadist women to carry out their diabolical plots. Chilling!

There have been other near encounters recently. A friend of Bev's commented naively how cute a deer was that had come into her yard. "Just curious and so beautiful", she said. “Curious” my little cloven feet. It was on the same sort of reconnaissance mission as at our house.  What if the deer was really on a kidnap mission, getting close to the house to steal the family dog? The assassin deer's interrogation methods are quite chilling to watch and not the kind of thing any of us want our beloved pets to have to face.  The worst part of that scenario is that the deer have found the perfect scapegoat. If any dog goes missing in a slightly wooded area, it is the misunderstood coyote that will be accused unable to combat the prejudice that the lovable Bambi relative could do no wrong.

These cunning warriors are enlisting help from the raccoons. On three occasions this week, I witnessed a momma raccoon try to escort a brood of young to the greener grass on the other side of the county road that I ride my bike on.  The use of raccoons for diversionary purposes is well documented in the annals of this blog. See Deer Assassins from October 17 of last year.

Many people think that the mothers of the animal kingdom instinctually care for and protect their young. Let me disabuse you of that wrong headed notion. On these three occasions, I watched as, upon the mother raccoon realizing that I was approaching in near silence on my bike, she panicked and went bounding off into the tall grass leaving her brood to bounce off of one another like five untied balloons in a small room. Only my superior driving and evasion skills saved the little ones. Don't get me wrong. I feel no compunction in driving right over the top of future nerdowells. However, one must have their priorities straight. Priority number one is staying upright in your vehicle when being stalked by blood thirsty deer assassins. Priority two is getting machineguns mounted on my bike so I can "clear" a path when confronted with this situation in the future.

Having been thwarted in the unholy pursuit of their evil overlord's favor, I believe that the raccoons are resorting to trickeration in order to distract me so that the assassin deer can deal me my ultimate demise. Last night, as I was riding up the big hill, testing the limits of my endurance and strength, with my mental faculties at their lowest, I looked down at the road and saw a crushed catsup packet. Obviously, they were testing the efficacy of calling upon my Christian kindness. They hoped that if I saw that my enemy had fallen and was covered with "blood" I would not cross to the other side of the road.

 They hoped that I would get off my bike and bear the poor hurt animal to the nearest inn where an assassin deer would be working the front desk after tying up the real innkeeper. In the brief moment of my confusion, the assassin would rain down my doom. It probably wouldn't work. Even when I am doing good deeds, I am in a state of heightened awareness, ready to react in any situation.

I think that you will agree that the dots connect into a pretty convincing picture.  Be alert America.

Take care.

Roger