White Light?

Dear Bloggity:

I hope this finds you doing well. It leaves me on the eve of Grace's return from Ghana for Christmas break. Three plus weeks of warm showers, clean feet, and a working transportation grid. We are waiting with baited breath as she passes through four airports in 24 hours. I am afraid that the Amazing Race will not be filming and editing for the desired outcome of any of the pitstops that may occur.

I am obliged to report that controversy has entered the Sharritt household. No its not the usual Christmas controversies; nativities on the courthouse square, happy holidays not merry Christmas, pulling a can of Mace on your fellow X-box shoppers. It isn't any of these at the Sharritt household. We are mired in a controversy about outdoor Christmas lights.

I love outdoor Christmas lights. I believe that outdoor light displays are the second highest calling for mankind. The first being flash mobs. The idea of a group of people coming together with different assignments so that the outcome is fun, fresh, and festive enthralls me. The flash part is the most important segment of the phenomenon. Get much beyond flash and you get all kinds of mischief. You could say that "Occupy" is a flash mob that overstayed its welcome.

While I love Christmas light displays, I do not personally do anything to help light up the night. When it comes to Christmas lights, I admit that I am a user. I do not pay it forward. I am appreciative. I love to look but not provide.

It isn't for lack of inspiration. I once had visions of grandeur. My luminescent hero was a farmer up in Brookston, IN. He created a display that could be seen from space. Its brilliance accentuated by the darkness of the NW Indiana prairie. Twenty years ago when I first witnessed his handy work, lights were everywhere. Mrs. Claus was even there with a tray of candy canes for the kids as you left their horse-shoe shaped drive. Where was Santa? He was out tending the 4 gas powered generators it took to keep all of those lights working. In the days before LED's that many tiny incandescent lights forced him off of the grid because if he had plugged in, the lights would have gone out from Lafayette to Gary.

My inspiration flagged greatly after plunking down $40 for a 4 ft heralding angel. $40!? How much did farmer Santa pay for his display? $5,000? $10,000? Inspiration flew out the window. Adding a few pieces a year, seemed out of the question. It would take 40 years to recreate what farmer Santa had done. No thank you.

So outdoor lighting at the Sharritt house falls to the lovely Miss Beverly. Her tastes run to the subdued and elegant; a line of white icicle lights outlining the front porch. Put the lights on a timer from 5 til mid-night and the Sharritts are doing their part to help illuminate the dark from Thanksgiving to the New Year; pushing back the evil deer assassins. (See last week's blog.)

After last year, the lights were the worse for wear. We made a note to purchase new ones before this year; a note that was disregarded and forgotten. Bev remembered when she got the lights out Thanksgiving weekend and after being unable to get them to work, she made plans to go out and get new. I held out the "green" carrot for her. Why not get the led lights? I asked. They are better for the environment. I had her at hello. The hunting and gathering was successful.

A quick trip home, a half an hour on the 3 step ladder and viola, the Christmas spirit was installed and that is when the controversy started. You see the package said white lights. Plugged in they became cold white lights. Bev hated it. "It looks so cold." I'm like, "Exactly, its December. Your lights should look cold during December." 

"No," she said, "you need a warmer white for Christmas."

Warmer white? It appears that warmer white means a yellowish tinge. How did we get to the point where words have lost their meaning. The "cold" white was white. It allowed bikers to pass by our house in safety. It was glaring. It was bright. It was harsh. It made our house look like a "strip joint."  Exactly, nothing says Merry Christmas like a stripper grinding on a candy cane.

This is where the controversy really began. Bev being a rational person called Target and asked if she could bring back the white lights and exchange them for the "warmer white lights." Target said yes!

What? How? Why? Are they nuts?

This is what I heard Bev ask. "Hello, I was in your store under no coercion or distress and I bought what I thought were white lights. I got them home and put them on my porch and flicked the switch and behold they were white, but it was bad. After leaving them on for two days, I have decided that they just won't do. I would like to bring them back and exchange them for "warm white lights." By "warm white", I mean that I would like those lights with a yellowish tinge. I can? Great. Thanks."

Not only did I not hear the same thing that Bev said. I heard the following from various ancestral Sharritts; it's not Target's fault that the "wrong" white lights were purchased. They were taken out of the packing. They can't resell those now. They have been up there for two days. I believe that ownership hasn’t transferred by now.

Isn't that really the problem with most Christmas controversies? A third party sticks their nose into a situation between two consenting parties and hears what they want to hear. Then to make matters worse, we listen to the voices in our head. Voices planted and cultivated by well meaning ancestors; who quite candidly were just winging it.

Instead of illuminating the season with the warm glow of understanding, it seems that I am insistent on shining the bright light of judgement.

Take care,

Roger